Life Truths Gleaned from The Only Way is Essex

1.  If it rhymes, it's sound advice.  Example: 'Bros before hoes' (or, alternatively: 'Bros before hose'--as in hosiery, or stockings--)  Also: 'Chicks before dicks'; 'Check yourself before you wreck yourself'.

2.  "Shut up" actually only has three letters.  "Shuuuu-uuuuu," with your voice going up on the last "uuuuuu" sound.  If you want to make this expression shorter, just cut out the length of the "uuuuuu-uuuuuu."  "Shu-u!"

3.  Full words are too long to remember.  Making them shorter is cool.  Example: "jeal" for "jealous."  Ideally, use of this word can also rhyme.  ("That ho is jeal for real.")

4.  If you look any shade lighter than a piece of whole-grain toast, you're a white freak; unattractive, and unlovable.

5.  Asking people rhetorical questions at the end of your sentences is cool.  They don't have to make sense.  "That's a nice spray tan, innit?"  "She looks good tonight, don't she?"  "Shai 'as a noice pehso'aiity, dun it?"  If your every phrase is perceived as a question, and you're as attractive as these people, everyone is bound to agree with you.

Amy, who owns a salon, and has trouble pronouncing "Sylvester Stallone."

Lauren, whose nose doesn't exist

Mark, who's slept with most of the women on the show

6.  A woman's attractiveness is gleaned by her propensity to topple over for being top-heavy.  You should be a size 00 on bottom, and at least a double-D on top, or you're a fat freak (possibly a flat-chested one), and no one will ever love you.

7.  When resorting to plastic surgery, remember: looking like a race horse is cool.  You want no expression in your forehead, a tiny nose, lips the size of half your face, and very large teeth.  Think of a cross between Mr. Ed and a Bratz doll.

Chloe: a perfect 10

 8.  If your son breaks up with his girlfriend and is very sad, buy him a new girlfriend.  Go for the white Range Rover.

9.  Even though each of your boobs is twice the size of your head, you shouldn't cover them.  They were bought to be shown!

Amy again, because she's so quintessentially Essex

10.  When arguing with your significant other, the best way to placate them (if it's a girl) is to propose.

11.  When on a break from your significant other, the best way to get him to propose (if you're a girl) is to get the tattoo of his name removed.

12.  "Reem" is a word.  It means "really, really good."

 13.  When talking to/about someone who's "normal," one should refer to them as a "geezer."


14.  No one cares how stupid you are, or your knowledge of current events, if you're as obviously attractive as this guy:

Joey Essex, who they couldn't possibly have made up because he's so vain and vapidly stupid.  I sort of hope they made him up.

The following is a transcription of an actual conversation had during the show.

Girl: So, what are some of your, like, interests?

Joey:  -smile- Uh, well, you could say, like politics.

Girl:  Politics?  Who's the prime minister?

Joey: What, of Essex?

Girl:  -giggle- No, of England.

Joey:  Well, that's actually what I studied in school, is politics.  Um, they taught us stuff like, well, about the city, and stuff.  That's politics, innit?

Girl:  They didn't teach you who the Prime Minister of England is?

Joey:  Well...

Girl:  Don't you think that's something you should know?  -demanding- Who's the Prime Minister of England?

Joey:  Um, well -pretending to think- it's that geezer, innit?  Like, um... -toothy grin- I dunno.

Girl:  -giggle-

15.  The more annoying your laugh, the cuter it is.

16.  If you can still frown, you haven't had enough botox.

17.  20 years old is a fine age for sleeping around.  Any older, and you're a "slag."

18.  Essex is the Jersey Shore of England

19.  If your hair moves in the wind, you aren't using enough hairspray

20.  If your nether-bits haven't had Swarovsky crystals glued to them, it's unattractive to the opposite sex.  Men are like crows, so go and get your "vagazziles" done.

21.  When choosing your makeup for the day, remember: if anyone sees your eyes, it's because they're looking too hard.  Also, false eyelashes are daywear, and you're naked without  shiny, shiny gloss smeared all over your over sized, collagen-filled, comical, clown-like lips.

22.  When your boyfriend doesn't pay enough attention to you, whine.  Without end.

23.  If you're worried about him cheating, get a 20-32 black-and-white portrait of yourself taken, and hang it in his bedroom, right over the bed.

24.  Only lazy, ugly people aren't glamor models.

25.  If I watch any more of this show, I will talk of nothing else for YEARS.